


Dead Souls

by NDF



Series: Be Quiet and Drive [4]
Category: The L Word
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 12:16:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19109476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NDF/pseuds/NDF
Summary: Shane tries to move on from the events of Blvd Knights, but truth will out.





	Dead Souls

Dead Souls 

 

 

 

The door to opens and I see him walk in slowly…he looks like a traveling salesman. I see the waitress as she walks over to take his order. Her legs long and lean, her ass well ...…perky. I drank my coffee ate my bagel. She touches my arm to ask if I want another cup of coffee I nod yes, and watch transfixed as she pours. I almost caught a glimpse of myself in the box that holds the napkins, but I looked away fast. No conscience not now. I licked my lips tasting the butter from the bagel. Everything seemed to slow down as the thought crept into my head...

 

At some point I made the choice. I had three choices really. Hit on the waitress, eat my bagel in peace. Or follow the guy to the parking lot to see if I still had the nerve. Choices, choices. I went for the guy. I had the gun, which was my new best friend, especially since all my friends were dead. I felt the heaviness, the groves of the imprint, and the feel of the handle as I gripped it a little too tight. My darkness, my decent into this thing I was on needed this, I needed to feel his fear, and I needed to prove it to myself.

 

I walk slowly away from the counter leaving cash for the bill. He was already outside getting his keys…stopping because he felt that chill that people feel sometimes when they know they are fucked. I pull the handle back locking the bullet in place. I click the hammer back and say.

 

 

“Wallet now!”

 

He starts yammering for me to be cool, for me to be calm. But I can see the fear in his eyes and then shock…this small frame of mine not really sending the fear fast enough…so I crack him in the face...his blood splashing a little but it doesn’t hit me…and that’s when I feel it…the rush…that old loving feeling. The complete feel of violence. I have his complete attention now…30 seconds ago I wasn’t so scary to him but now he has peed his pants. His nose gushing as he pulls his wallet out of his back pocket.

 

” Take it lady…please…. please. Don’t kill me…My wife. My son…”

 

Carmen...unreal flash of her and her smile in my mind, of us picking out baby clothes…of us picking names...My life, her son, our son. I blink some tears away I couldn’t keep from falling. I tell the guy to get the fuck out of here. I run to where I parked my bike….and get back on the devil’s road.

 

 

And so, my choice was made. I knew I had to get back to the bottom. I knew I had to go home. Back to Bakersfield. Back to the beginning, the sinking…spinning reality that was mine before Carmen, before everything went wrong. I don’t count time anymore. I don’t know what day it is. All I know is that the road has lines…yellow then white then yellow.

 

And the company I meet on the road…the devil’s road as I have been calling it, well they were all familiar to me. My ladies of the night. I would stop at bars, dives really. And the trouble would follow me…the insults flung out at me…the weird looks from the locals. Till I settled it with their blood. And it would always be the same. I spot them…my sex music mind walking toward them beat after beat…and then on to the motel…they knew it in their hearts I wouldn’t hurt them, slash their bruised throats in the night…steal their money. And they could sleep for a while not in fear….and I would wait them out not wanting to sleep because that leads to dreams…. about her…Carmen. Safe in heaven…. dead.

 

They would see her picture on the nightstand and say she is beautiful who is she? She is nothing I tell them. She is dead…and with any luck I will be too. And that serious moment would come when they thought maybe they made the wrong choice that maybe I was damaged in the head (which I am) and it would change when the naked moment came. I rocked them. Plain simple…no complexities…no challenges…and most times they wanted to pay me. But to my sweethearts I said no…just sleep…and when the day breaks, I want you gone…

 

All of this interrupted by my failure to not sleep…because it was a double-edged sword, I constantly fell on…because when I close my eyes…there she is. smiling bright…as we lay together things getting feverish with us…the crashing feels of her…the hot heavy feel of her as we kiss building to that perfect moment…I hated my dreams…

 

“How can I be so lucky? To wake looking at your pretty face…look at all of these flowers…you brighten up the place.”

 

“And you, what’s with the poetry lately huh?”

 

“I don’t know it’s you…you make me feel all smart and shit…come here…you smell good…yummy…hey…did you feel that?”

 

“Of course. I always feel that…I am telling you champion kick boxer…maybe a striker for Barcelona…my boy”

 

“And what if he is a she...? Huh then what...?”

 

“No, it’s a boy…I can feel it”

 

“Really?”

 

“No Shane, not it. I mean I know I am having a boy. I can just sense it…plus I don’t want a girl…I would have to shoot anyone who wronged her…no way. It’s supposed to better for boys. easier…”

 

“God Carmen you’re a male chauvinist pig…oww…basher now you’re going to smack me up…”

 

 

I wake from that dream feeling like I wanted to die again…I couldn’t bring myself to do it…I tried. I look over to the girl I picked up last night…and then I grabbed all my stuff and locked myself in the bathroom. I have been doing a good job avoiding mirrors lately not wanting to see what I was becoming…but the light was so bright in the bathroom and there I was. I wondered who I was looking at. The angry. person staring back at me…who was that? I looked at the picture of Carmen and I at Coco beach…we looked so happy….so…. I punched the mirror and saw the splintered cracks…seven years of bad luck. bloody fist…. mirror showing a distorted me I was much more comfortable looking at.

 

 

Why this…life? Why these choices? Why did I want to go back home?

 

Money.

 

I had to give the little dude a chance…what if something happened to John or Miriam? He has no family…Carmen’s family is all gone…My family is gone…I wanted to be gone…but I had to leave him something…so he could go to school find a great girl get married…and if I died trying to get what was rightfully mine…well then I would see her again…and all the love in the world I had for her, I could feel it again instead of this…burning pain…like I was getting stabbed over and over again…all my feelings leaking out of me. but not leaving…this had to work…

 

I leave some cash for the girl and walk out of the room. I start my engine…and make that drive to my old block. The welcome to Bakersfield sign. Mocking me

 

 

 

 

The smell in the air made me feel like I was home.

 

 

Bakersfield.

 

 

I rode by all my old haunts…but it was 5 in the morning and no one was up. There’s that still in the air, the one you can’t take. The silence getting louder and louder in your ears. I hated this time of night. Mom was a nurse before dad perforated her. And she would always leave at this time to go to work. She would say Shane hun go on now back to bed…mouth thick with pure Dallas….whenever I couldn’t sleep (which was always) Carmen would stay up with me…and we would hold hands under the sheets…and she would lean over and tell me it was going to be ok. And her lips would touch my cheek…and the silence would be no more cause our moans. And the sound of my blood pounding in my veins would be enough to drown it all it out.

 

I stop at the light…take my helmet off. Light a smoke. Head for my old house that Havoc blew up. The ruins of my home…Mark’s home still here almost what is two years later? The site was never rebuilt. There is nothing of value…nothing.

 

I knew Mark kept a place way from Curt…away from me…as if I didn’t know. So, I make the trip to see if I could crash there…crash and no sleep. The sun was threatening me…making ideas seem real. Making everything bright…it takes me a while to find it…his place.

 

I park in the ally. Climb up the stairs on the side of the warehouse. I pick the lock and step inside. The stench hits me, and I scramble to find it. Food, garbage…no dead bodies thank god. I clean everything up place it in heavy duty garbage bags and open all the windows to air out the place. The bedroom is clean, but the sheets are all musty to I strip them off. I check the closets for blankets. I find a few that don’t offend too much and lay them on the mattress. I unpack my stuff…just clothes…ammo, picture of me and Carmen.

 

I look at it…falling into that moment……

 

“Hey Shane…come on.... the water is great...”

 

“No Carmen you go I’ll just watch you splash around….”

 

“No, you get you sexy ass over here now…”

 

“Alright…”

 

“Hey you two…smile.”

 

 

 

That was the first weekend we spent in Orlando. Miriam finally talked John into letting Carmen and I have a room together. After we got back from the beach, I moved my things into Carmen’s room. It was farther away from John and Miriam’s bedroom. He joked that if we were going to be in the same room that he should be a far away from us as possible.

 

John and Miriam went for some take out and Carmen and I made the most of our alone time. As soon as the pulled out of the driveway Carmen had my clothes off. We kissed in our trademark way. Her lips soft and wet, her hands on my neck, then curling my hair. then grabbing my head as I draw circles on her nipple with my thumbs. Her skin had the taste of suntan lotion and something that was all her. Some days it was sweetness, sugar, caramel that day I really couldn’t place it. I kind of tugged at her dress to get it off…she still had her bathing suit on underneath it. She was feeling self-coconscious worried that I didn’t find her as sexy because she thought she was getting too fat. Which was all in her mind. She wasn’t really showing, and it had me a little worried. But the stress of everything at the time…and she had just found out about Marco.

 

I told her she was beautiful. And as I looked at her that sunny Saturday afternoon. that hot little thing she was wearing...my mind melted. I smirked at her as she pushed me on the mattress. She was always trying to play bottom and top with me. The truth was I didn’t care one way or the other.

 

She peeled her bathing suit off. And I just marveled at all the flesh invading my vision.

She climbed on the bed and standing on it, so I must look up at her. We just stared at each other seeing who would break first. Would she lean down so I could feel her wetness on my face? Was I going to sit up, kneel at her feet and worship her with my mouth, my hands? Yes, I broke first I couldn’t take all that flesh…that scent of her driving me out of my head. I pulled her down on top of me and she laughed. Told me that I was so whipped by her. I told her it wasn’t the first time someone said that to me.

 

She started building the fire. Kissing rough…hungry. I pulled away from her and I turn ed her over, so I was on top. Her naked body squirming under me. I was so hot for her, but I kept the feel in check. I kissed her throat, licked her nipples. I kissed her stomach, and then I turned her on her side. And I kissed her back, those scars from that faraway place, I kissed them as well. I told her in her ear to lie back against me. Her back pressed against me as I kissed her neck, her ears licking the sweat from her neck. She is moaning in a desperate way for me to fuck her. She wanted me so badly inside her. But I did nothing other than kiss her. I told her in her soft my voice barely a whisper…

 

“The thing is. Is that control for me is just a word? A word that you can make mean anything. You control me with your heat. That wet feel from you. You control me with your smile, your lips. The feel of your kisses. your tongue. And I am sure that I can control you…like right now you want my mouth hot on you…you want me to slip my tongue into you as far as I can go…you want me to bite your clit till you scream…don’t you?”

 

“Shane…please…”

 

“Please what?”

 

“Please…do it…all of it …’

 

And I did. I slipped my fingers in her, her arm reached back to hold my neck. It was a different feel of her that way. She felt warmer tighter. When she came it was hard for her to not yell out. It was amazing to feel her complete loss of control. I kissed her till she was still. The only thing you could hear in the room was her heavy breaths. I slid my fingers out of her and she turned over to face me. We kissed…soft loving. She told me that she loved me, that she loved me since she first saw me.

 

 

I look at the picture. I look over to Mark’s nightstand. I see my gun. I picture the bullet. My name written on it. It’s so easy. I pull the trigger, and this is all over…but the gun stays where it is. And it’s now that I cry. The tears leaking down my face. I blink them away wanting to choke them down, but it hurts. And I cry till I feel nothing at all…

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

When I wake up, I didn’t know where I was at first. Then gun still where I left it. The loft still had that rotten food smell. I go to take a shower, but no water comes out. Great. I head down the stairs and head to Ricky’s. It’s amazing looking around at everything how much nothing has changed. It feels like a maze I will never get out of. The same streets, people not on them. I pull up to Ricky’s shop the door pops open as he runs out. He has this shocked look on his face.

 

“Holy shit! Shane. Mother fucking Shane! Goddamn girl…it’s you. We all thought you were dead…man…You guys fucking Shane is back! “

 

I walk in and all the guys are there. Hector, Chino, Brad, Christy, Keith, Boingo. They all rush over to give me the nod.

 

And it goes. And they wanted to know if it was true was Havoc dead? Yes, I said. Was it true that his girl was Fed? Yes. Was it true that I killed her? No? The idea of it made me want to kill them. What happened with Mark and Curt? They told me word was Havoc popped them at The Roadhouse…but no one knows for sure. We all went for a ride. In a pack like how we use to roll.

 

We get to The Roadhouse…and the rest of Slayer X where there including the new leader. A guy by them of Dominguez. Ricky and Hector walk me over to him. Dominguez wasn’t a member of Slayer X. he was not the rightful leader I was. I could feel the tension in the room. I could feel how much Hector and Ricky and the boys wanted this guy gone. But I played it cool. I wasn’t here to take charge of my crew. I was here to get my money. And with any luck I was going to get killed. I had a hard time deciding which one I wanted more.

 

 

“Who is this? You fellas know the rules…you can’t just walk in here unannounced that’s the old guard…”

 

“Yeah Dominguez this is here is Shane. Shane, she goes where she wants. She is our rightful leader…and now she is back….” Hector said.

 

You could see the room being halved. My reluctant side. And this Dominguez guy side. This is going to be fun I thought cryptically.

 

“Hey, Hector. I am just here for a visit. Catch up take care of some things…”

 

“So, you’re the famous Shane. I don’t know you. But everyone around here has a story about Shane…Whatever your name is…’

 

“It’s funny…that’s funny Mr. Dominguez…. like I said just paying a visit…you know…no disrespect or anything intended. I thought the guys where bringing me here for a drink…not a civil war…”

 

“You’re funny lady Shane…how is that Fed of yours?”

 

“You know you’re the second person today to ask me about that…and I have no lady…but if you introduce me to yours maybe I will….”

 

The guns all click into place around me…I don’t blink. I don’t flinch. I don’t care. I light a smoke and walk away.

 

Well that went well. I walk out to my bike and Hector is yelling for me to wait.

 

 

“Shane come one. you got to help us. Man, everything has been fucked up around here since you left. We got to talk…”

 

“I know Hec…I know. Look tell me where and when and I will be there.”

 

He wants to meet at The Rectory. It was the worst-case scenario place for senior members of Slayer X. If he wanted to meet there, I knew I could trust him…not that I did. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I agreed. And I ask him if I could take a shower at his place. He leaves me his keys and I knew the way. But something weird happens before I get there. I hear sirens and I get pulled over.

 

“License”

 

“Um officer what did I do?”

 

“Yeah it’s her. “

 

“Officer?”

 

“Ma’am you’re going to have to come with us.”

 

“Why what did I do?”

 

“Nothing ma’am but the F.B.I would like a word with you.”

 

“What about my bike?”

 

“Don’t worry ma’am we will take good care of it…”

 

 

This is the reason you can never go home. Not here for more than 5 hours and I was already in the shit. My crew is having a civil war…everyone thinks I killed Carmen, and now the fucking Feds…what more can go wrong?

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

So, on the way over to the inquisition it dawned on me that I didn’t think about how bad I felt…then I realized how I didn’t think about it and I felt worse. Like I was letting myself down. We were leaving the hell that was Bakersfield and from the looks of it we were on the way to L.A. I leaned my head against the window and stared out to the world outside the car. The two agents in the front said nothing to each other.

 

“Can you please tell me where we are going?”

 

“The Assistant Director wants a word with you?”

 

“Great who or what the fuck is an Assistant Director

 

“That would be A.D. Porter.”

 

That name echo’s in my mind.

 

“Now you listen to me Shane…I need you to listen ok?”

 

“I am listening Carmen…why are you getting so serious…”

 

“Because I love you and …. I don’t know…just listen ok?”

 

“Alright…tell me.”

 

“So I am not saying anything is going to happen to me…but if it does…or if you’re in trouble and I can’t help you…I want you to go find this lady…she was my boss back when I was in the F.B.I. She will help you…”

 

“So, what’s her name this savior of mine.”

 

‘Shane I am being serious here. I need you to be serious with me”

 

“I am sorry Carmen I just don’t like it when you talk like this…nothing is going to happened to either of us…ok what’s her name…”

 

“Bette. Bette Porter. She lives in L.A….”

 

 

 

So here I am thinking I was going to get hauled into a police station or the F.B.I. station. but instead here we are driving thru the familiar streets of West Hollywood. Just what the fuck is going on?

 

We pull up to this nice quaint house. They tell me to get out and knock on the door. So, I get out and light a smoke not knowing what to expect. I stroll up to the door. I ring the bell. And this fancy decked out chic answers. She has long dark wavy hair. A soft creamy complexion. Really dark eyes…so Carmen bagged her…my girl I look up at the sky…thinking alright.

 

“Shane. Please come in…could you put that out?”

“Not till I am done.”

 

“Ok…l will leave the door open…”

 

Man, this lady is serious. I flick my smoke into the street, and I walk into her house. There are all these fancy paintings on the walls, and I wonder if she paints in her off time. She smells like fancy perfume and expensive skin lotion. I like it. Then again Carmen liked it too. I look at the lady as she sits on her expensive sofa and wonder what the F.B.I. pays her. I look at her some more and notice that she is hot. in a fancy way.

 

“So ….?” I say.

 

“I just wanted to say that I am sorry…really sorry that Carmen is dead. She was…very…. special…and I know that you don’t know me…but I knew her very well…she was my student…”

 

“And you fucked her….”

 

“Yes, we were lovers at one time…”

 

“What was she like?”

 

“I don’t know what you mean?”

 

“As an agent…was she good at her job?”

 

“Carmen was one of the best behavioral profilers I have ever met.”

 

“Yeah………. great then why didn’t …. she knows he was going to kill her…?”

 

I couldn’t help it…I didn’t have anyone to talk about this with no one knew what I felt for her…no one knew what it was like to kiss her, feel her, what it was like to make her laugh…what it was like…to be in love with her…but this lady knew. I could see it in her. This crying thing was making me feel like a complete fucking loser. I just was not the type of person who cried in front of people [le let alone people I have just met.

 

“Hey…I know that she loved you a lot…”

 

“Why am I here…?”

 

“Shane…why did you come back here? Why not stay and take care of the little boy…don’t you think you own that to her?”

 

“What are you her mom…you don’t know anything about me…”

 

“Your right. But you still haven’t answered my question…why come back? You got away…you are no longer a part of this world why come back?”

 

 

“Because it’s the life…”

 

“Look Shane…I shouldn’t even be talking to you…but things are not the way they were when you left…your little crew…the small games you played nothing is like that now…there are very serious consequences for someone like you being back…you know that everyone knows about Havoc and Carmen, go back home to Florida raise that kid forget this life..”

 

“You don’t get it…this is my life…that whole thing with her…the happy ever after. all that shit…. its bullshit…this…” I point to my scar on my chin. I lift my t-shirt. I point to the scars. “This is what I know. This is my life. And all that love and all I can ask myself since I watched her die…the one question I have about myself…about where I fit in this fucked cracked marble…the question…more of a statement…more of idea…a mantra that won’t get out of my skull. I felt so much love for her…so why do I want to do so much damage now?”

 

The fancy lady with the expensive perfume her silky legs…her smooth demeanor…her wavy hair she didn’t have an answer…

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

Bette Porter offered to send me back to Florida. She thought maybe having a little talk with me would motivate me. Change my ways…her cute insight into how I felt…well let’s just say it was a swing and a miss. We sit in silence in her living room. She looked at me with mild amusement. I ask her what’s so funny.

 

“So…. what’s so funny?”

 

“I can see what Carmen saw in you.” She says

 

So, I lean in closer sitting on the other side of the couch.

 

“Yeah what’s that?”

 

“You are…. very cool. Like the cool kid in the back of the class…take no shit...leave no prisoners…you know cool…”

 

“So, you called me all the way out to L.A to tell me how cool I am?”

 

“No…. I am trying to do you a favor. I told you things are not the way they were when you left.”

 

“How’s that…there’s no Havoc…there’s no Curt, my boy Mark is dead…”

 

“Yes…but…”

 

“Come on fancy lady tell me why I am really here?”

 

I move over closer to her. Her fancy perfume way too heavy for my taste. But I really liked the idea of messing with her.

 

“So, tell me…. what was Carmen really like?”

 

“I…. I don’t know what you mean?”

 

“When you seduced her…what was she like…you know…warm…sweet…was she a hellcat…that’s what I use to call her. She liked it. That nickname.”

 

“I don’t see how that is relevant to…”

 

We are face to face now. I could kiss her if I wanted to, but I don’t.

 

“…Shane?”

 

 

“Yes…”

 

“She was warm…and smart…and we ended bad. And a while went by and then she met Helena. And then I didn’t see too much of her. Then Helena was killed, and she was never the same.”

 

She gets up and goes to pour herself a drink. I watch as she hits the bottle hard. I think this chic has a drinking problem…then again, I shouldn’t talk. She runs her hands thru her wavy hair. She looks like she wants to talk some more. She looks over at me realizing that maybe she should have offered me a drink. She makes the motion as if to ask if I wanted one. I nod yes. She walks the drink over to me personally. Her hands graze mine as she hands me the glass.

 

“…. Then there was you. Somehow, you infected her with your darkness, your danger, this whole cool thing you are on. Somehow being near you not only cost her promising career in the F.B.I. but it also cost her, her life.”

 

“And so, it’s my fault she is dead…tell me something I don’t know…show me something…I can’t use.”

 

“Why do you do that? You answer a question with a question. Or a statement?”

 

“I am still trying to figure out what it is that you want from me…”

 

 

“I don’t know…I guess I wanted to help you. for her. I couldn’t help her with Helena…I couldn’t get her to do her job…she actually told me to go fuck myself….cause she didn’t want to be apart from you…did you know that she saved your worthless life before you even met….”

 

And that echo’s in my head….

 

“Tell me something. something about you…that I don’t know.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know Carm…anything…”

 

“Carm huh…been hanging out with Mills too much.”

 

“Why do you call him by his last name?”

 

“It’s a Fed thing honey…. he calls me Carm…I call him Mills…”

 

“That doesn’t count…I want to know something I am not supposed to know…”

 

“Ok ……Something you’re not supposed to know…..….…you remember the night that you got into the bar fight….you hit on a woman who was actually able to fend off your hound dog routine….you got into it with a guy…he pulled a knife on you….”

 

“……Yeah. I remember that…I was really drunk and upset about Dana…”

 

“And then you where bleeding in the ally….”

 

“That was you?”

 

“Yeah…. I saved your life…. got rid of the gun you were carrying….”

 

“That was you….”

 

“Hey…I told you…I loved you…that I loved you I since I first saw you……..You made me….no you helped me get over my grief, it was killing me. And seeing you before we met…. I couldn’t get you out of my head…. then finally meeting you…the feel of you…well you know you drive me wild. I was so obsessed with you. I couldn’t let you bleed to death; I didn’t get there in time to keep you from getting hurt. I saw you holding your side saw the blood, saw you fall to the ground. I didn’t think, I ran over got your gun…. called it in.”

 

“I don’t remember that…I can’t believe it….”

 

 

“So, Carmen told you that huh?” I asked her.

 

“Yeah it was in her report.”

 

“So you think I am worthless…you think I am beneath you…wasn’t good enough for Carmen right?…Can’t compete with you and posh existence couldn’t compete with Helena and her bags and bags of money….but the thing I had over all of you…the thing that made Carmen and I so good ….I loved her. And I wasn’t afraid like Helena to admit it….and I wasn’t too busy patting myself on the back like you…I loved her and I told her the whole time we were together…So if you’re not going to get naked and fuck me…and if you have nothing else to say…. I’ll need a ride back home to Bakersfield.”

 

 

“I am sorry Shane…. that was very rude of me………I don’t know you…I don’t anything about how you and Carmen where……please come back if want to talk about anything…or you need anything….”

 

My strange meeting with Ms. Porter was weird. Go back home, take of Marco…. forget this life. What did she think I was doing? Did it never cross her fancy brain that maybe I tried that, and I failed? For the first year of the little dude’s life I took care of him. I sang to him. I played with him, changed his diapers…loved him. He would look up at me eyes wide…that look like you are not mama…. where is mama? Like he knew….…and I wasn’t.

 

 

 

*

 

The agents drove me back to Bakersfield not saying a word not glancing back at me. I slumped down in the back staring at the sky as we drove the clouds big and full turning red as the sun was setting. My life in slow motion, me glancing at the cars. Thinking wondering what in hell did Carmen see in that rich chic?

 

Thinking about how I was going to get my money. I kept calling it my money, but it wasn’t really…not yet…I never claimed it for obvious reasons. I won the race the last time I was here. I never collected my winnings. I met Carmen and the rest is misery. It was the Murder’s Row race out in the desert. You get the shit kicked out of you, then you hop on your bike and smash it out hoping you last. Why we did this held this race…endured this way of life? Well how does 100,000 dollars sound?

 

 

Mojave Desert 3 ½ years ago.

 

“Can you take this?”

 

“Yeah Mark I’m good. You know me.”

 

“Shane I’m serious they are going to beat the shit out if you…. this isn’t a bar fight…. this isn’t….”

 

“I know Mark but man we can do a lot with that cash…. We can make a lot of moves…. come on…it won’t hurt that much.”

 

“Shane people have died…getting beat up, then the heat of the Mojave…. I just don’t want anything to happen to you……”

 

“Come on Mark stop being such a girl…you’re not going to do it right?”

 

“No.”

 

“Think about its Mark…. 100,000 dollars…That’s new engines…better nitro….”

 

“Yeah well you have to live first then you have win…then you have to collect…What’s with you and deserts anyways?”

 

 

 

The Feds drop me off and my bike is there. I see them pull away back to wherever it was they came from. Something made me think that miss fancy assistant director perfume lady was going to have me tailed till I left Bakersfield. Time to make my way. I had enough time to head to The Rectory.

 

It’s dark when I pull up to the Rec. I hear Raekwon The Chef yelling about being Incarcerated Scarface. I see the bonfire, hear the laughter, smell the food cooking. What I thought about it being a trap about it being a meeting, turned out to be a homecoming party for me. I hear the guys roar their approval. I see the fire spitting and cracking. I park my bike right outside the fire. The flames have me paralyzed for a minute. The yellow then orange, then red then blue. I stare at it till my eyes water.

 

I feel someone grab my shoulder and I jerk my gun in his face.

 

 

“Hey. hey…. Shane it’s me …Hector…you went somewhere…. you ok?”

 

I put my gun away and I nod yeah.

 

“Sorry Hec…it’s been weird since I got back…” 

 

“Yo Boingo get Shane a brew….” I see Boingo run off to get me a beer.

 

“Shane, we got to talk….”

 

“Lead the way….”

 

We walk over to an area not heavily populated.

 

“Shane…. I hear a lot of things…. like you and the Fed…it’s cool to me. But a lot of people they don’t trust you. Not me I trust you…I know you would never sell us out. I know that she is gone. I heard that Havoc killed her then you killed him. But that don’t matter. What matters is this fucking guy Dominguez. After you vanished and no one heard from Curt or Mark…This guy comes in from like nowhere and starts giving us all orders….And those who don’t follow them, they wind up in ditches….Shane no one knows where they stand no one knows….what to do, he’s got us doing some really fucked up shit….”

“Like what?”

 

“Really heavy shit…armored trucks…drugs…shit we don’t do…and if we don’t do it people go missing….”

 

“Look hector I don’t know what you want me do…”

 

“Shane you are our leader…we will follow you. We will do anything …. but this guy he is turning us into killers that’s not Slayer X. We steal…yeah…we brawl yeah…we do a lot of shit…be we don’t deal. We don’t kick the shit out of heads cause they don’t pay protection….We just want shit to be the way it was….all this shit he’s got us on it’s not cool….we am not killers Shane….you know that….we know that Curt had heads to do that for him but not his course boys…Shane you know what I am talking about.”

 

I knew what he meant because I did most of Curt’s dirty work.

 

“Ok I help you get this Dominguez guy then what…. I stay here and what be the leader of a street racing gang…. that’s not why I am here…”

 

“So why are you here?”

 

“I need to see the Moon Lights.”

 

“The Moon Lights…. shit. they never paid you, did they?” He asked.

 

“Fucking twins, you can’t trust shit that comes out of their mouths….”

 

“They are really not going to want to give you your money…after all this time…you being dead then not dead…then the whole thing with the Fed….Shane are you sure you want to do this….The Moon Lights are serious ….and you’ve dodged them for years….”

 

“I know…after I won that race, they told me I have to join them to get my money….”

 

“Shane look we will help you get your money back. It will show you are back big time if you take on the Moon Lights…. Fucking Dominguez won’t be able to do shit if you take them out….”

 

 

I couldn’t argue with Hector’s logic. I stayed at the Rec…. drank by the fire. Thought about how much I missed her. Thought about all the random moments we had. Thought about all the things I took for granted. Her terrible cooking, her laughing at my silly jokes, us watching movies. The softness of that space behind her ears that my mouth loved to feel. There wasn’t enough booze in the world to drown that feeling. The surreal feeling of Deja vu. That line that I walked…it was a fine line, no twists no turns. I think about how far I have come since that moment I killed Fast Eddie. I wondered if life wasn’t laughing at me. The bonfire was dying out. The day was breaking again. I hear Carmen in my head. My dead soul…she keeps calling me.

 

 

 

We stumble drunk into Hector’s house. I head for the shower finally. The mirror I ignored it. The water was great. There was nothing like feeling clean. We drank some more when I got out. Thinking about the old days. It helps me not think about Carmen. She never left me. There were traces of her in my every movement.

 

It was noon when I made my way back to Mark’s place. The smell was almost gone. I made my way to the bedroom. I hit the bed dead tired. I look over to my picture of Carmen and me. We look happy….it seems like yesterday….

 

“It’s your turn tell me something…something I am not supposed to know.”

 

“Carmen you know everything about me…”

 

“No there’s something there’s got to be something…You have all these scars…like this one…Where did this one come from?”

 

“Ah this…. wow well there is this bizarre race held out in the Mojave Desert….’

 

“I like the sound of this…do continue…”

 

“Yeah it’s called The Murder’s Row…don’t ask me why…I don’t know. Anyway….the purse it’s pretty big…and you have to take a beating…you go thru a gauntlet…they punch you kick you….and you make it thru and then you have a 30 mile race thru the desert….no rules…no water…it’s straight out of Mad Max. You ride. and hope you don’t get lost…or die of heat stroke…you’re in a lot of pain cause of the beating you took…. everything you see is in double vision…and somehow I crossed the finish line….”

 

“You did all of that….my god…”

 

“That’s not the hard part…”

 

“How so?”

 

“Well you go on instinct…the hard part is collecting your winnings…. the Moon Lights they didn’t want to pay me…”

 

“Who are the Moon Lights?”

 

“It’s these two twins…a male and female. They are known in the world…. the world of street racing…. They have this way of not paying people….and well they never paid me…I won the race…”

 

“Why didn’t they pay you?”

 

“Because of what they wanted….”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“They wanted me to join their crew…and I didn’t…. they put a price on my head…”

 

“And you somehow never got it from them…why?”

 

“Well you know…the girl Roxy…”

 

“She was into you….my god Shane…how do you do it…”

 

“I don’t know….”

 

 

Roxy was the key. If I got to her…worked my magic…Sergio fuck him…he did whatever his sister told him to do. I think back to winning that race. All that ran thru my head was how much I hated the desert. The place where I became the messed-up human, I am…all I could think as I fought the pain in my body…was how I couldn’t die in the place…it was hot it reminded me of hell. I started to feel that I belonged therefore killing Fast Eddie. I couldn’t die in hell…I needed to see something other than dunes of sand. It sustained me. The fear of death was all that kept me going. When I made that final run toward the finish line…I knew…I was different person.

 

Everything slowed down for me…the twins where there…waiting…Mark Curt most of the guys from my crew…Mark couldn’t believe I won…he hugged me so tight…Curt smiled at me…and then there was Roxy…. blonde. tall…deadly…she walked over to me…and said something I will never forget.

 

 

“You are the first and only woman to ever win this race…when you are feeling better…meet me here…. I want you to fuck me hard….my brother won’t mind….”

 

Mark looked at me like what the hell. It’s funny…that race is what probably caught Havoc’s attention. Winning that race is what started this…

 

 

*

 

Fuck.

 

 

I light a smoke. Feel the calming effect before I take the chair in Mark’s place and slam it into the TV set that he had. I was so fucking angry…everything in my life changed when I won that race. I met Carmen a couple of months later…then Havoc then this. I looked around the room thinking all kinds of fucked up shit. I was stumbling in time. Everything was out of focus. All this shit…this life this mess…how can one course of action lead to this…?

 

 

 

Somewhere in California 3 ½ years ago…

 

 

“You want to tell why you felt the need to blindfold me?”

 

“For your protection…sweetness.”

 

“It’s Shane…not sweetness. And who are you?”

 

“I’m Roxanne…but my…pets they call me Roxy. We sort of met two weeks ago…Shane I like that name very sexy name. Shane…yes very charming…you know of my brother…Sergio…..Sergio this is Shane…My you heal fast….And look at all of this flesh…so delectable…Shane you make my head swoon…What is that delightful scent you are wearing?”

 

“Are you for real? It’s called dove…it’s a bar of soap…”

 

“And a brute to mention…Shane you are one of a kind...Sergio darling come here and touch this woman…”

 

“Ah yes dear sister…she is pure silk…”

 

“Hey...watch the hands buddy…”

 

“Shane don’t tell me you are exclusive with woman only?” 

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“We are in the position of power and with it comes knowledge in all shapes and forms. Shane you do realize that my brother and I are the alpha and omega of the world of organized and unorganized street racing…. from Bakersfield to the streets of Prague…if there is something to know then we know it….”

 

“Can you please stand still it’s hard for me to keep calm when you circle around me like that...”

 

“Shane…you amaze me…you walked the gauntlet…ran the miles in the Mojave….and I make you nervous?”

 

“I can’t see anything with this blindfold on….”

 

“Sergio darling help Shane see…. My you have determined eyes…tell me Shane…what’s the worst thing you have ever done?”

 

“No…you tell me why the fuck did you snatch me off the road, blindfold me and bring me …. wherever the hell I am? To lecture me. To bore me to death. I don’t get this…?”

 

“Shane you are right ……. how rude of me…. Sergio darling will you excuse us…I love to watch him go…. he is delightful, isn’t he?”

 

“Untie me right now!”

 

“If I do will you promise to hurt me?”

 

“Look lady…I don’t know what kind of stuff you’re into, but I don’t hurt people unless they hurt me first…Now I won your little tournament…. I would like to collect my pay...”

 

“Shane do you find me to be physically appealing. I find you to be so…I have been thinking about you all day…”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Shane…you are versed in the art of seduction are you not? Bear witness to all the sights and sounds of pleasures?”

 

“Heh……tell me what you want from me right now…or so fucking help me…”

 

“Shane…I want you…I am so attracted to your ferocity…Look you won yes? And the money is yours my body is yours…. but your loyalty from now on is mine….”

 

 

 

I got out of there with my life. And I had to fuck that crazy chic to do it. I felt so fucking dirty…that’s when I started walking around with my gun…. word was they put a price on my head…I never really paid it any mind…. but I wasn’t stupid either. All this stuff started to happen to keep me from thinking about it. I met Carmen…. had all the issues with Havoc…. Was its paranoia? Was it a gut feeling? Had I stopped grieving over Carmen long enough to finally see what was going on?

 

 

The dream is not a dream it’s a memory while I am asleep no it’s a dream …. Carmen and I are in this story called Cookies. We are picking out neutral baby colors…a lot of yellow and tan colors, some blue some pink. She is beautiful and I tell her. We walk as one, she is pushing the cart me behind her my arms around her waist. She stops suddenly she turns around and looks at me smiling that 1000-watt smile of hers. She tells me she loves me. She says she doesn’t want to smother me…that she doesn’t want to feel like she is trapping me...she tells me if a day goes by and she forgets to tell me, she feels like a horrible person. I tell her not to worry about it. I tell her there is no way that she can be a horrible person. I tell her that I might as well have pulled the trigger. I tell her then I shoot her….

 

I wake up screaming from that one. There is no one here to tell me I was going to be ok. There was no one to tell me that it was going to work out in the end. I call the number that Bette Porter left me.

 

“Bette Porter”

 

“You always answer the phone like that?”

 

“Shane? Is that you?”

 

“Yeah….”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“A little after 5…”

 

“Shane are you ok?”

 

“No…I’m not ok…”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“It doesn’t matter…”

 

“Shane talk to me…is this about Carmen…?”

 

“Yeah and it’s about me…it’s my fault she is gone…”

 

“Shane…it’s not...”

 

“I got to go….”

 

“Shane wait…please…talk to me…maybe I can help you?”

 

“Have you heard of the Moon Lights?”

 

“No…who are the Moon Lights?”

 

“It’s a long story….”

 

“Tell me….”

 

 

“This was before I met Carmen, I am not good with dates, but it was a little while before…….”

 

 

So, I set the scene for her.

 

About a week before that Curt calls us all in for a meeting. There was a race out in the desert. The race we all knew about. The race that was invite only. The race that put you on the map. The race that took your life. I was the only one who volunteered for it. I raised my hand and Mark was so pissed at me. Curt pretended to not see me at first, but I kept my hand up.

 

“Do you know what this means?” Curt asked.

 

“Yeah I know. I lose I die…I get it.”

 

“Just like your old man kiddo…no fucking fear….no fucking sense…all heart.”

 

A week later we roll out to the desert and meet at the location provide by the invites. I see all these different clicks…all kinds of vehicles... all kinds of people…I see the gauntlet line. It wasn’t long. Just 15 guys. I was the only female. I didn’t care. I wasn’t afraid. I check my bike. Everything was good. I walk it over to inspection. They checked for water, food…other things. Having passed I made my way to the line. Mark asked me that one last time if I was sure. I was sure. I knew I was going to win or die trying.

 

I look over at the tent I guessed that’s where the benefactors waited to great the winner.

 

We lined up for our run thru the gauntlet. I was # 9. So, I saw what was coming. It was just great to not be 1. I saw the punches and kicks I saw the blood spurting out of the guys in front of me. Saw them drag themselves to their rides. When it was my turn the guy behind me pushed me into the gauntlet.

 

The first punch sent me falling forward…then there were mad kicks to my stomach, my head…a fist flew at me at a downward angle. Someone grabbed my head and yelled that no pink pussy was going to win a man’s race. I pushed him back and crawled out of the pit. I spit the blood out and stumbled over to my bike. I got the signal to go so I went.

 

We all had compasses given to us. At first you ride out if instinct but the glare of the sun pounding your skull in. My side ached…My eye was bleeding. It was hot…so very hot. I stopped my bike looking around for the other riders, but I didn’t see anyone. I look at the needle on the compass but couldn’t tell if it was pointed in the right direction…I tried to think was it north? Did they say north or was it south? I couldn’t remember…I heard Fast Eddie laughing in my ear. I don’t tell Bette Porter that.

 

I told her how I felt like I was going to die out there. I told her that the sun was making everything feel like it was being spun into glass. The heat waves where like three feet off the ground. My head was spinning couldn’t focus…but I had to keep moving. I picked south…I don’t know why. I went south for a half an hour and I saw the end…. I stopped and looked around…I saw Mark…saw my boys in Slayer X ……I won…I didn’t know how…but I won.

 

“So, you won this impossible race…what does this have to do with Carmen?”

 

“You don’t get it winning this race put me on the map…after this everyone knew who I was….”

 

“And by everyone you mean Havoc?”

 

‘Yeah….”

 

“So, this is why you think it’s your fault?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Shane you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Carmen is gone…and there’s nothing you could have done…you couldn’t control any part of what happened….”

 

“You know there is a part of me that really wants to believe that…but I can’t…. I got to go…”

 

“Wait…”

 

I hang up on Bette porter…. she doesn’t know. She has no idea. And neither did I really but I was starting to get one.

 

 

8:45 and I’m ready to go.

 

I kicked the bottle and threw it away. I was lost enough and ready to play. I wait for the honk of Hector’s car. I was so drunk…all I wanted to do was destroy something beautiful. I needed capital. And I called Hector with a brilliant idea. We were going to hijack Mr. Dominguez’s ride.

 

Honk, honk.

 

I run down the metal stairs. Gun bumping against my back. It was time for danger. It was time to get even. I jump down the last three steps and hit the ground. I see the boys all lined behind Hector’s ride. I give the guys a pound…we were all ready to go. We drive in silence. Everyone was too jumpy to say anything. We were going to boost the top dog’s ride. I couldn’t keep from smiling…but good times they don’t last, and my mind hitched a ride on the Carmen is dead superhighway.

 

 

 

“What’s the most dangerous thing you have ever done?”

 

“You mean other than sleep with a F.B.I. agent?”

 

“There you go again question with a question…seriously.”

 

“I jumped over a train with my bike…”

 

“Really…how did you do that?”

 

“Well I was running…having taken something that didn’t belong to me…I was on this highway over pass…. there was a train running under it…the road was cut off on both sides…. no choice really…but here they were…. jump and hope to outrun the train…or get shot at…so I jumped…”

 

“You are so full of shit….”

 

“You sting my ego baby…come on Carmen have I ever lied to you?”

 

“No…you are insane…. you better not do anything like that again…. I need you.”

 

“I know I need you more…do that little dance you love to do…you know.”

 

“Come here…I want you to feel this….”

 

 

 

What she wanted me to feel can’t really be described without the sensation of wanting to throw myself in front of a moving truck. My story about my wild ride running from the Moon Lights…with their brand-new Ducati Monster o4. It turned her on…and she was hot. We were past the fucking stage in our relationship. Everything we did was slower…wilder…more intense. Instead of fucking for an hour or so…we made love all night. It was tender and savage…. All in one…

 

The knock on the glass snaps out me out of my thought.

 

They were ready. The guys. This guy Dominguez didn’t have much in the way of security. I motion for the guys to watch the perimeter. Boingo clips the gate we all walk in slow like. Everything was blurring to me on account of the drinking I was doing…but I kept my cool. I send Boingo over to the crappy Cadillac Dominguez was attempting to restore. I watch as he puts the rag in the gas tank…watch as the flames drift into the tank watch as the back end becomes the front end, watch as they form one new twisted heap of flames in the night sky…

 

You hear the scream of what the fuck…you hear the commotion. I laugh…this was the most fun I had in a while. I see Ricky and Brad have the truck …. we all hope in and drive out while they tended to what was left.

 

 

We laughed in the car…This seriously pimped out Escalade. The wheels were spinning while we stopped at the liquor store for some refreshments. The party was at Mark’s house…my new place. Had no lights…had no water…so we went to the roof…and drank.

 

 

The sun was coming up. And I was cold. But I didn’t move. I thought about that long drive that morning. I thought about what it was like to kiss someone I didn’t like….to feel the odd sensation of someone you really didn’t want your hands on. It was my reckless days. When I didn’t know right or wrong or cared there was a difference.

 

I pushed Roxy hard against the wall. I did what she told me. I used that thing…not understanding why she would want it. God what a fucking nightmare. We slumped down to the floor…and that’s when I made my move. She was mumbling about not letting me leave. Saying she had a room for me all made up. saying all kinds of fucked up shit about making me hers…so I clocked her…it was the only way to get her to shut the fuck up.

 

It was this crazy S&M club. People in cages…leather…feathers tickling the most delicate of places. Not really my scene. I looked around checking for Sergio…. I head out a door marked exit. The sun blinding me for a second. I check for my ride and see this Ducati instead….

 

 

*

 

 

You see the patterns to things. You see the lines…blurred…. the only mistakes you make. The nights on the Blvd. You know in your heart that there was something wrong with everything. You feel the connection. The more you drink the more you think. The farther you travel the clearer your mind gets. The sky cracks open…. the Sea’s part. It’s a revelation you don’t know how to prove. You don’t know why or how but you know. It’s impossible. You saw the line it went flat…you were rushed out…you took everyone at their word.

 

 

Words. Letters equaling meanings. You made it so easy for them. You didn’t go to the celebration of her death. You didn’t ashes to ashes…there was no dust to dust. Liars…but why? And more importantly how? And where? Who do you ask? Who can you trust? Words again softly spoken…true. Not true. Confusion doubt. Words again.

 

 

Traps for your mind. Traps for your dead soul. She keeps calling. There’s no logic…there’s no proof…there’s no reason. But you know. You can’t say why. But you know. It’s her words…. the fancy lady sort of giving it all away…what did she say?

 

 

“Look Shane…I shouldn’t even be talking to you…but things are not the way they were when you left…your little crew…the small games you played nothing is like that now…there are very serious consequences for someone like you being back…you know that everyone knows about Havoc and Carmen, go back home to Florida raise that kid forget this life..”

 

 

 

She gave it all away. But why? She was trying to tell me…It’s just not possible. There’s no way…. but my gut it burns…I have that nauseas feeling…. butterflies…. could it be? Am I right? Have I lost it completely? Is Carmen alive?

 

 

Breathe…. don’t breathe. Touch the walls…feel the ground get a grip…your drunk there’s no way. The hall it leads to the bathroom…Mirrors get a look…Gone your love is gone away…Have you heard stranger things? Have you seen miracles?…She shot you…Point blank in the chest you lived…She can live…You knew her secret…You figured it out…Hyper thoughts…Drink you’re not making sense…Run it by and by…They’re gone…It’s just you…. The ride’s out back…Stop…Your hyperventilating Breathe…don’t breathe…Touch…She loved to touch…Ink? Your ink blood in your blood…Way to drunk it burns…Sense no sense…Walls closing in…. Drunk so very…. it’s time to pass out…time to sleep…perchance to dream…….

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So, tell me what really happened? How did you really get these?”

 

 

 

“Oh...this?…Yeah…I needed a way in…I needed a way to prove to him that I was loyal…And he told me that you liked to save people women really….and I knew about what you did for them…and he figured a hurt me was far more valuable…I would be more sympathetic to you if I was damaged….and I wanted to destroy him…he killed Helena….so I agreed to his silly initiation ….15 cuts for the fallen members of The Outsiders….”

 

 

 

“Wow….it worked…I saw that, and I wanted to kill him just for that…………...Carmen how far is too far?”

 

 

 

“Shane there is nothing I wouldn’t do…to get him…no line I wouldn’t cross…no rule I wouldn’t break….You can’t change anything in the end…once it’s done…you know…you killed that guy Fast Eddie…you know about it the burn…the loss….you told me you saw it happen right in front of you…Don’t think because I have a badge…that it somehow makes it impossible to not want to gut someone…who wronged you…”

 

 

 

“Hey Carm, don’t get me wrong…I get it. I do…. but why not just kill him then and there…. why all of this….”

 

 

 

“That’s what makes us different Shane…You went about in the simplest way…he killed your father you killed him…and me…it wasn’t just that he killed Helena it was that he got away with it…”

 

 

 

“Ah baby…we are so fucking weird….”

 

 

 

“Not anymore though…you me Marco…we are going to get away from this….one way or another….”

 

 

 

“Yeah but what if Marco is a girl…you’re going to give her a complex…”

 

 

 

“I know my baby we maybe have only been together for 3 months. But I know we are having a boy….”

 

 

“We?”

 

 

 

“You and me….”

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up on the floor. My head was spinning. My body ached. My soul ached. I was so afraid. And then it all rushes back to me. Stealing Dominguez’s ride…drinking till the sun came up…the fabric of my mind tearing…the fear…that I was losing it…the idea that Carmen was not dead…. I lit another smoke. I needed to think. I needed to strip this guy’s car down…track down Porter and make her tell me where Carmen was. Then I was going to beat the shit out of her for lying to me…for keeping her from her son…for keeping her from me….I had to find out what this was about….I had to get my money back…I had to take a shower……

 

 

 

I called Hector…had him pick me up…took a shower at his place…. changed. Made the plans to strip the ride down…took all day to find a chop shop willing to do it…. Mark would normally do that for me…but Mark wasn’t doing anything anymore because he was dead. I think.

 

 

Morbid humor.

 

 

From a crazy woman. As I walked down Hector’s driveway…I see a limo pull up. I was going to keep walking, but another fleet of sedans block me off. I had nowhere to go…the door to the limo opens…I think about calling out to Hector, but I knew it would be useless…. I wondered again for the second time in my life why couldn’t I have a normal life?

 

 

 

 

 

The limo is dark inside…empty…the doors lock automatically. I sit back. Thinking what the hell might as well enjoy the ride. 

 

 

 

 

Somewhere along the trip I fell asleep. When I woke up the doors of the limo where open. I left my gun on the toilet in Hector’s bathroom. Fuck. I stepped out of the limo lit a smoke and noticed I was in underground parking garage. I follow the white lines to an elevator with…one button. This is seriously fucking weird. What would Mulder and Scully do?

 

 

 

I look around wishing suddenly I was drunk again…my drunken crazy shit made more sense than this shit. I press the button having no other option and the box moves…and it feels like we are going up…the door opens, and I see these letters in gold on a huge set of oak doors.

 

 

L.L.L.

 

 

 

 

They open before I can knock.

 

 

 

I lean my head in the doorway before I walk in. this woman says….

 

 

 

“Ma’am come on in we have been expecting you…”

 

 

 

I don’t know what to say….

 

 

 

“Who are you?” I ask.

 

 

“Landau, Lukman and Lake.”

 

 

 

“Alright…. but what am I doing here?”

 

 

 

The woman seems annoyed by my questions

 

 

 

“Ma’am…the director will see you…just through those doors…”

 

 

 

What the fuck is going on? Seriously.

 

 

 

“Ma’am there is a no smoking policy you might want to adhere to…”

 

 

 

“Sorry I didn’t know this was still on….”

 

 

 

She doesn’t even look up from her typing. The new set of doors opens…why did I feel like Neo walking in the white light.

 

 

 

“Shane McCutcheon am I saying it right?”

 

 

“Yeah…who are you?”

 

 

 

“Just call me Jimmie.”

 

 

 

“Jimmie?”

 

 

 

“Yeah Jimmie...”

 

 

 

“Ok Jimmie…”

 

 

 

“Shane. You are probably wondering why you’re here?”

 

 

 

“The thought has crossed my mind.”

 

 

 

“Would you feel more comfortable if you had a drink?”

 

 

“No.”

 

 

 

“Ok I’ll get right down to it…I have read your file…and it’s pretty extensive…robbery, trespassing grand theft, grand theft auto 15 counts, murder…never proven…and on and on.”

 

 

 

‘Who are you?’

 

 

 

“I am the ambiguous them…”

 

 

 

“If I ask you a question…will you answer it?”

 

 

“Depends…”

 

 

 

“On what…”

 

 

 

“On whether you help me…help me and I’ll help you…”

 

 

 

“Why do you need my help?”

 

 

 

“Because there is something about you…. that makes people crazy…yeah crazy…they meet you…the love you…they go mad lose reason abandon logic…. I think it’s your eyes…not too sure…”

 

 

 

“Um Jimmie?”

 

 

 

“Yeah”

 

 

 

“Is Carmen alive?”

 

 

 

“You mean Agent Morales?

 

 

 

“Yeah…Carmen…”

 

 

 

“Well that’s a sensitive issue around here…”

 

 

 

“She has a son. He needs her….”

 

 

 

“I know…you need her as well…love…beautiful. A thing that doesn’t exist in my line of work…really should not have existed in Agent Morales’s line of work either…. what’s so funny”

 

 

 

“Am I dead or in hell or something…”

 

 

 

“Shane come on I know it’s been tough, but you can’t tell if you’re alive anymore…?”

 

 

 

“Look Jimmie…I come from a world that is cut and dry…this …this thing here is way beyond me…I don’t understand what’s going on? I feel like I am in an X-files episode ......a weird one…”

 

 

 

“That show…my god…ok…come on take a walk with me…I want to show you something…don’t worry you’ll like it….”

 

 

 

There is just no way…I can't even begin to figure out what’s going on…we walk for like a mile it seems past offices…labs. All kinds of weird things…we stop in front of a room bathed in light. I see this figure and she is sound asleep. I walk up closer and closer…Carmen……she is alive….

 

 

 

 

 

Her skin is warm…her hair is soft…she is my Carmen…her scent that was hers and hers alone…still there. I look back at this Jimmie guy and he seems happy by my reaction…this is way beyond me ……

 

 

 

“Come here Shane…”

 

 

 

I walk over to him, but my head was lingering back to Carmen….my Carmen…Marco’s mom…my love my life…

 

 

“Now Shane…I did you a solid now I need one in return.”

 

 

 

“That’s Carmen in, there right?”

 

 

 

“Yeah…come on let’s go to the roof I think we need a smoke break.”

 

 

 

I am too confused to be happy. I don’t know what the fuck is going on…

 

 

 

“Ok so here’s the real question. How did William know you were in Florida?”

 

 

“Who is William?”

 

 

 

“Sorry Havoc right…yeah the report read a.k.a. Havoc…”

 

 

 

“I never thought about it….”

 

 

 

“Ok…think about it then.... he was a hood rat like you…no offense”

 

 

“None taken…”

 

 

 

“I will tell you…Havoc fell in with an organization you know as the Moon Lights…. you won The Murder’s Row race…which we here at Landau, Lukman and Lake are all in secret awe of…”

 

 

 

“How do you know all of this?”

 

 

 

“Shane…so sweet…we are a private firm…don’t ask anymore…the woman Roxanne…she is quite taken with you…hired Havoc to keep an eye on you till he too became enamored with you…while at the same time on another time line…Agent Morales was also taken with you…so much so that she broke all of the rules to be near you…we have a F.B.I. Agent, a petty street criminal. And an international crime boss all vying for your affection…you a petty thug from Dallas Texas who killed the man who killed her father… her father who killed her mother… you who drinks heavily…loves way too hard. And is probably one of the most intriguing people’s in the known world. Simply because of the interest that is garnered. You Shane are one of a kind….”

 

 

 

“What…this is a joke right? I am in hell…I died last night of alcohol poisoning and now I am in hell…right…any minute now…the flames will shoot up…god will not save me right…because I am in hell…”

 

 

 

“Shane…I know it’s a lot to process…but I assure you, you are not in hell. And please don’t insult me by asking how I know all these things…I just know them because it’s my job.”

 

 

 

“So, what…what the fuck do you want from me?”

 

 

 

“Well we want you to help bring down the Moon Lights…. then you get you’re happily ever after…”

 

 

 

“What’s wrong with Carmen?”

 

 

 

“Nothing ….she is just resting…it’s been a long recovery process…and well…she doesn’t seem to remember who she is….she suffered some trauma to her brain loss of oxygen…she will be ok…she only recently woken from her coma…we had to reduce it…it’s a lot of strain on the body…c-section…gunshot wound…she is tough though……”

 

 

 

“She is going to be ok?”

 

 

 

“We think so…”

 

 

 

“So, what do say? Help me out…get your girl…life, happily ever after…get some new guns…. get some revenge…what do you say?”

 

 

 

“Are you sure I’m not in hell?”


End file.
